I was depressed yesterday and didn’t want to do anything. I pulled myself out of bed, complained. I then went for a swim, went to work, left work went to a free shooting class and went back to work. Left work and decided to go for a run.
Instead of the blind leading the blind. The VI(visually impaired/blind)was leading the MI(mobility impaired). I am mobility impaired and I used to be ashamed to say that. I couldn’t be more proud. I used to feel like a half of a person and focussing on my limitations. A few years back I went to Catapult track practices and would push Alma around the track and motivate her to move faster because I saw the potential in her. Of course I didn’t hurt like I do now and I was faster. She has gotten faster from practicing and she confessed she took my advice and decided to walk faster during her intervals. I thought I was going to die last night as she motivated me last night at a track workout to move faster. I didn’t want to go, but I am glad I did. For those 40 minutes I had no worries, no cares, just sheer determination flowing through my head, with sprinkles of fear that I wouldn’t keep up. I haven’t been running running because of my medical difficulties. I am trying to stay upright as long as I can. While my wheelchair is cut colors I don’t want to sit in it unless I need to. On days when I need to be seated I stay seated, but yesterday was not that day. It is scary watching your body deteriorate, however it is a blessing. Everyone doesn’t get that opportunity. Sometimes we wake up to the change and can’t will out bodies to do anything. I am blessed to be able to move and I plan to move until I can’t move any longer. I am not going to kill myself and over do it, but I will test my limits. I am also finding new activities that find me joy in the process. Last night I learned I can go faster than a 15:38 mile for 3 miles. I can go 13:33.
My goal will be to do that for a few miles then one day up it to 4 miles then up to 5, then up to 6. I will take baby steps, I will try to balance my pushing, I am still testing my limitations. I will fail along the way, but I will embrace my failure. I will not be defeated, I will get up, dust myself off and try again. When I can’t no longer do that I will do what can. No I can’t run every day, but on the days my body allows me I will and I will give it my best and stop hiding in the fear. The pain makes me afraid to try things, but I have to remember I have chronic pain, with sprinkles of acute pain. My attitude has changed, my tolerance for things I deem stupid is lower. I am not wanting to do anything, but I must. I must do the impossible, I must try to break these shackles and become free. That pain I have is there whether I move or not. Somethings are beyond my control and I stop and pray. I figure, I might at well move and have moments of freedom, motion is lotion. Some days it’s a crap shoot. Last night was awesome, I didn’t give in to the excuses around me. #DoSomething #FreeYourMind #OvercomeYourFears #DoIt #KandiKaneRuns #JourneyTo100halfs #FiftyStatesBy50 #PainManagement #StartSomewhere